But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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