I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
