Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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