Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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