They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
