Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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