Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
