You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
