its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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