if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
