The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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