it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
