If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
