According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
