Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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