I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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