drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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