News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
