Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
