your room smells of hookers.
And success
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
