I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
