I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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