i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
