Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
