If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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