I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
