I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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