he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
