If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
