1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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