oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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