That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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