I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
