Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
