somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my poor anus
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
