i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
