There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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