tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
