I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
