she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
