There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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