my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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