Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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