I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
