they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
