people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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