Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
