i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
