Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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