He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
